ONLY HURT, NOT FRIENDSHIP

For me this has been a long time coming. To date I have only shared this story and/or poem with the closest of friends. But I feel a need to openly share it now for two purposes ~ to place closure to a particular event and how it effected me and to perhaps introduce people to a bit more personal side of me. I have felt, as recent as this past month, a distance between some people who I have met. I know that I often come across as very reserved and quiet but part of this is my make-up and some of it is probably due to what I will discuss momentarily. I have been this way much of my life but as many of my friends know, I can be very much the opposite of what I have described. Once I feel comfortable with people, I can be quite the extrovert and conversationalist. I think you will ultimately see in this post that there is often a sensitive, caring, perhaps vulnerable person behind this facade.

And so I begin...

It was August of last year, 2005. It was about five months since admitting to myself that I was gay. Yes, this late in life. To make it short, I had spent numerous years absorbed in work and making money. I was having too much fun traveling as well. But I am comfortable with where I am at and where I might be going. So back to my story. I was coming off an incredible summer vacation and I was communicating with one or two new gay men, hoping to develop some friendships. That was really my goal at the time.

One night I was cruising the BMB site and came across a guy who really caught my eye. He had this lovable face and a nice muscle-build. I had to read his profile. Well, I was impressed. He came across as very intelligent and was extremely articulate. I found some commonalities. I then noticed he had a website. I clicked on it and that was my first exposure to the blog world. He had his own blog. I will not dispel his blog site for purpose of retaining his privacy.

I started to read his blog site by reading his most recent posts. I discovered then that he was recovering from a heart surgery. He drew me further into his blog and I read much of the archives. I discovered even more commonalities. There seemed to be a strong connection with family, he was successful in business, and he appeared open to making new friends based on how he had described establishing many of his friendships. Now mind you, APPEARED will become the definitive word here. I initiated a contact via email. He responded and I then opted to communicate occasionally by IM Chat. This type of communication went on for about one month. When we did chat, I was always the one generating the questions. He was always very open about answering them but he never asked me questions. It was much like this on every chat. I thought then that perhaps he was weak from his surgery and tired. I have an uncle that has had several open heart surgeries and I know how they effected him. In retrospect now, these may have been tell-tell signs that he was trying to pull back from future communication. And admittedly, while I really was looking for a friend, I think subconsciously I had some feelings for him. A mistake, having never met him or having spoken to him on the phone. I did try several times to get him to call. He would never address that question in any of the emails or in our IM chats, until the final email in late September, 2005. I had been in school for about two weeks, already growing a little stressed with the workload developing in what is for the most part an intense program.

In came the final email. I have decided to share a portion of it with you but will summarize the initial portion of the email. It is too personal and in fact, I am shaking my head as I am reading it again after not looking at it since October. It hurts. In the beginning of the email he thanked me for caring about him and his progress. Then he stepped into saying that he had grown uncomfortable with the level of intimacy of my last email to him. He clarified that statement by saying that I seemed to know too much about him and that he realized that he put himself out there when he began his blog. Well, what would one expect if you do blog??? Yes, in my last email to him I had said if you ever feel like calling, here is my number. And this is the last bit of the email he sent me verbatim, with the exception of the deleting of his name and cities he mentioned:

"To be VERY honest, I will never call you. While I appreciate your invite to do so, my new life is here in XXXXX and that is where I need to focus all of my attention - to people here in order to build my new life, as well as the people I left behind in XXXX in order to maintain my old life. Right now I don't have the inclination to begin any friendships with anyone who does not live near me. That might be closed-minded on my part, but that is how I see things. Thanks again for your encouraging words and for reaching out. I simply cannot return the favor. XXXXXXX(signature)"

As I read it, I could see he had no interest in being a friend, a gay friend I so desperately needed as my gay circle of friends was small. He had made so many friends that were out of his living area, why not me? He never once made an attempt to ask me questions about me. I was heartbroken! How could a grown 45 year old fall into this trap? I guess when you are stepping into new territory, you look for support. He was not open to it. I never once thought my emails were suggestive of a more intimate relationship ~ merely friendship. I shared that thought in a parting email to him. I was the gentleman in parting. To this day, I still feel he could have reworded his parting comments.

I went spiraling down from here. I was overwhelmed. As I said earlier, stress from school was picking up, a small social circle and lack of social life due to school was taking its toll, some other issues gone awry, and now this. I felt like I did back when I was in elementary and high school ~ beaten down. My panic attacks were kicking in again, something that I had not had for nearly a year thanks to medication. See... I suffer from anxiety. In the meantime, I grew further behind in school, quiz and test grades dropped. I thought I was going to have to drop classes to sustain some reasonable grade in my one key class at the time. It took increased medication, much needed support from two dear people, one, my best friend Joe and one, a selfless gay man on-line, Squatter, and a warm-hearted blogger, Rob, open to a new friendship to pull me out of my 6-week spiral of depression. But it ended. At the end of 2005, I made a promise to myself that I would never be quite this vulnerable again, that I would expand my circle of gay friends but that they would have to accept me for who I am. I realized I could be sensitive, emotional, passionate, caring, loyal, trusting and trustworthy, genuine, a romantic. I'm human. I am not perfect. I hurt.

To each of you, Joe, Rob, and Squatter(BMB #8515), I say thank you immensely for helping me as I fumble through this new territory. You are what I envision a friend to be.

So I finish off with the poem that I had sent this blogger who caught my attention for a moment, who generated only hurt rather than a much needed friendship. I had written it in hopes that it would lift his spirits given his surgery recovery, his moving to a new city, his leaving behind friends, his search for new work. Oddly enough, the poem now brings me comfort.

MOV'IN ON
- A Collection of Thoughts For a Friend -

Woke up today.
Mind focused, spirit lifted.
Heart racing.

Opportunity abounds.
But only with an open heart.
Growth, challenges, evolving friendships.

Momentary fear overwhelms.
It succumbs to happy thoughts.
Family, friends, lifetime dreams.

Time to pause.
Remember blessings.
Life itself, second chances.

With a smile step forth!
Beaming enthusiasm.
Teaming with energy.

The world beckons.
Absent prejudice and hate.
Seize it!

Hear a lone cry for help.
Listen! - Care enough.
Respond - give back graciously.

Ah! Love.
Hopeful and everlasting.
Relentless yet endearing.

With focus and commitment.
Hear the inner self elate.
"You've come so far!"

Step forth.
Head high.
Passionately embrace this new day.

But every so often remember...
"You've so much to do."
It's time to be mov'in on.

Author: Tony