THOUGHTS OF PHYSICAL SELF-IMAGE: BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE
FLASHBACK! It’s 1974. It is freshman year in high school and my first day in gym class. After a quick change into my school gym wear, I can remember gathering with the rest of my class mates before our gym instructor. I can remember his first words after taking roll, “Guys…we’re running today. 5 miles. You’ll running from here over to Aragon High School and back.” I about died. Step forward ~ to the end of the run. It was time to shower up. My heart was beginning to race. All I saw were guys that looked so much bigger in muscular build than me. I was skinny, average in height for my age, and very much self-conscious about my physique.
As I progressed through my two years of required physical education, my physical stature never changed. I can recall being so frustrated as not even the occasional weight training sessions were helping me. Other student’s and friend’s muscle mass was changing before my eyes. For me it never came to be in high school with the exception of a growth spurt the middle of my junior year that added nearly 6 inches. I just got taller, lankier, and a bit more shy due to low self-esteem, in part stemming from not liking my appearance. When I graduated I was 5’-10”, 2 1/2 inches below my current height of 6’- ½”, weighed a whopping 155lbs, and had a 29” waist. CAN WE SAY SKINNY! Never had any real steady girlfriend of sorts…could it have been that low self-esteem as a result of my physical appearance. You betchya!
On I went to college. All I ever managed to gain physically during that stage of my life was another 2plus inches in height and about another 18 lbs. Yes ~ that is 168 lbs. when I graduated from college. Stack me up against some of the hot looking studs where I attended college and well, I was a ‘small-fry.’ I had friends mind you as I really started to feel less self-conscious, so I thought. But again I just couldn’t find the confidence to date any girl, because of how I viewed myself. Remember, this was all before I ever really had a sense of my sexuality as it stands today, though I think there was evidence of homosexual tendencies by then. I just did not really pursue them.
Then out into the working world I went. Nothing changed. I could never find the courage to date because I thought I looked ridiculously skinny. I was never motivated to weightlift or hit the gym either, again because I was embarrassed to step into a gym looking the way I did. I could never convince myself that there were ever others starting out in the gym, with similar builds, that eventually ‘blossomed.’ In retrospect, I was not nearly as skinny as some guys that I see these days, falling into my high school and present height range.
Jump forward to September 2004. I had been battling so many fears and feeling so lackadaisical. Not motivated to do healthy or fun activities, lacking confidence in certain elements of my life, down on my appearance still, down on who I was, where I was going. I was growing tired of the same constant, crappy feeling. I sought help after much persistence and encouragement from family. From therapy I found answers to portions of why I felt the way I did and how I could build up some of my self image. These sessions did not bring out everything, in particular who I was sexually. That evolved later on through my own exploration and self-reflection.
But I have digressed a bit here. The issue is physical self-image. What I gained from those therapy sessions was that I was letting my perceptions of how other people were viewing me, imagined and some real, dictate my life. In a nutshell, FEAR was dictating my life. FEAR that no one would find me attractive. FEAR that I wasn’t worthy of someone’s love and would remain single the rest of my life. It is amazing how much fear manages to pull our lives in so many directions other than their intended proper courses.
I made the decision that life was just to darn short to let fear, to let other’s cruel thoughts and words dictate who I am and the quality of my life. There are other elements and events that came to be after September 2004, that strengthened this conviction, but that are to complex to discuss here. I’d be writing a novel. Perhaps I will share those at a later date. I told myself I was happy with who I was but that I was going to make a determined, conscious effort to improve myself in some way, with the realization that I may occasionally fall off the bandwagon. I started weightlifting and cardio workouts from my sister’s home gym this past September 2005. I wanted to feel better physiologically and to feel good with my physical appearance, which meant adding muscle. I moved over to a protein diet, but balanced it with other food groups. I began lifting 4-5 times per week, though admittedly the number of times per week is now more like 3-4 days. I started at 176 lbs., 20% body fat, with a goal of 195 lbs., 17% body fat. In January of this year (2006) I reached my goal but not until I saw my weight dip to 172lbs. way at the beginning. I knew then that I was in fact building muscle from that point forward, given my diet. Elements in my life since have caused me to lose some of that weight but I am sticking to my conviction, to my physical routine, and I know I’ll be back to where I want to be physically. And just as confident in myself as the day I reach my goal in January.
See the key is believing in yourself but most importantly, liking who you are! So I say very bluntly… ‘To hell with the rest of the world. Screw those guys who can’t accept me or any of YOU for who we are.” Think about it. If people are rejecting us solely on physical elements, then they are most likely responding to FEAR themselves, though more often than not they will deny it. And one driving force will be the individual’s fear of what others think of their boyfriend’s or partner’s appearance, of what might be said behind their backs. It’s sad, but true. While I’ll be the first to say that I still fall into the trap of not liking myself physically, I have moved on. I want people to appreciate me for the inner person that I am – genuine, real, caring, funny, and sensitive. That’s what I to project outwardly. And as I have said before, if my path leads me down life as a single man, I am finding peace with it. All I need are my family and my close friends. ((HUGS!))
As I progressed through my two years of required physical education, my physical stature never changed. I can recall being so frustrated as not even the occasional weight training sessions were helping me. Other student’s and friend’s muscle mass was changing before my eyes. For me it never came to be in high school with the exception of a growth spurt the middle of my junior year that added nearly 6 inches. I just got taller, lankier, and a bit more shy due to low self-esteem, in part stemming from not liking my appearance. When I graduated I was 5’-10”, 2 1/2 inches below my current height of 6’- ½”, weighed a whopping 155lbs, and had a 29” waist. CAN WE SAY SKINNY! Never had any real steady girlfriend of sorts…could it have been that low self-esteem as a result of my physical appearance. You betchya!
On I went to college. All I ever managed to gain physically during that stage of my life was another 2plus inches in height and about another 18 lbs. Yes ~ that is 168 lbs. when I graduated from college. Stack me up against some of the hot looking studs where I attended college and well, I was a ‘small-fry.’ I had friends mind you as I really started to feel less self-conscious, so I thought. But again I just couldn’t find the confidence to date any girl, because of how I viewed myself. Remember, this was all before I ever really had a sense of my sexuality as it stands today, though I think there was evidence of homosexual tendencies by then. I just did not really pursue them.
Then out into the working world I went. Nothing changed. I could never find the courage to date because I thought I looked ridiculously skinny. I was never motivated to weightlift or hit the gym either, again because I was embarrassed to step into a gym looking the way I did. I could never convince myself that there were ever others starting out in the gym, with similar builds, that eventually ‘blossomed.’ In retrospect, I was not nearly as skinny as some guys that I see these days, falling into my high school and present height range.
Jump forward to September 2004. I had been battling so many fears and feeling so lackadaisical. Not motivated to do healthy or fun activities, lacking confidence in certain elements of my life, down on my appearance still, down on who I was, where I was going. I was growing tired of the same constant, crappy feeling. I sought help after much persistence and encouragement from family. From therapy I found answers to portions of why I felt the way I did and how I could build up some of my self image. These sessions did not bring out everything, in particular who I was sexually. That evolved later on through my own exploration and self-reflection.
But I have digressed a bit here. The issue is physical self-image. What I gained from those therapy sessions was that I was letting my perceptions of how other people were viewing me, imagined and some real, dictate my life. In a nutshell, FEAR was dictating my life. FEAR that no one would find me attractive. FEAR that I wasn’t worthy of someone’s love and would remain single the rest of my life. It is amazing how much fear manages to pull our lives in so many directions other than their intended proper courses.
I made the decision that life was just to darn short to let fear, to let other’s cruel thoughts and words dictate who I am and the quality of my life. There are other elements and events that came to be after September 2004, that strengthened this conviction, but that are to complex to discuss here. I’d be writing a novel. Perhaps I will share those at a later date. I told myself I was happy with who I was but that I was going to make a determined, conscious effort to improve myself in some way, with the realization that I may occasionally fall off the bandwagon. I started weightlifting and cardio workouts from my sister’s home gym this past September 2005. I wanted to feel better physiologically and to feel good with my physical appearance, which meant adding muscle. I moved over to a protein diet, but balanced it with other food groups. I began lifting 4-5 times per week, though admittedly the number of times per week is now more like 3-4 days. I started at 176 lbs., 20% body fat, with a goal of 195 lbs., 17% body fat. In January of this year (2006) I reached my goal but not until I saw my weight dip to 172lbs. way at the beginning. I knew then that I was in fact building muscle from that point forward, given my diet. Elements in my life since have caused me to lose some of that weight but I am sticking to my conviction, to my physical routine, and I know I’ll be back to where I want to be physically. And just as confident in myself as the day I reach my goal in January.
See the key is believing in yourself but most importantly, liking who you are! So I say very bluntly… ‘To hell with the rest of the world. Screw those guys who can’t accept me or any of YOU for who we are.” Think about it. If people are rejecting us solely on physical elements, then they are most likely responding to FEAR themselves, though more often than not they will deny it. And one driving force will be the individual’s fear of what others think of their boyfriend’s or partner’s appearance, of what might be said behind their backs. It’s sad, but true. While I’ll be the first to say that I still fall into the trap of not liking myself physically, I have moved on. I want people to appreciate me for the inner person that I am – genuine, real, caring, funny, and sensitive. That’s what I to project outwardly. And as I have said before, if my path leads me down life as a single man, I am finding peace with it. All I need are my family and my close friends. ((HUGS!))
posted by Tony @ 5/22/2006 12:01:00 AM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I have always struggled with weight and self esteem issues...well not in HS> In HS I was 5'7 and 125 lbs. 28" waist! Talk about skinny.
Wow, Tony, so much of what you say resonates with me right now. It is also inspiring my next posting..so I thank you for that :) I've recently come to understand myself so much better and am changing in many ways...health and fitness is my current quest. I guess I'm finally getting over the fact that it took the better part of 42 years to figure out that I have to do what makes ME happy.
Thanks, Tony, for that inspiring post. Very good stuff to remember and be reminded of.
First thing I do in the morning in step on the scale. I gotta stop doing that!
Funny, I've been thinking about this a lot myself lately.
I've always been the exact opposite, in high school I was 6'0 and 285lbs. When I came out at 20 I dropped to 185.
I'm now at 248 and 22.5% bodyfat and going back to the gym for the first time in 6 months tonight. My goal is 200 and around 16/17% bodyfat over the next 6 months.
And even with all that, I know that my physical appearance doesn't matter nearly as much as my heart. I'd happily stay where I'm at if changing meant I became a different person.
I've got to watch my ego and try to be myself even if I do feel I'm starting to look better, then again, when I was 180 I tended to still see myself as the fat kid. It's a miracle I didn't end up with an eating disorder.
great post Tony. I've had my problems with weight myself that I won't even go into. But much like you fear can block much in life. It took some good therapy for me to figure that out as well, and still figuring out to some degree. Sometimes loving ourselves is the hardest thing too do. Hopefully I'm better at it now than in the past.
Tony,
I went through the same cycle that you did. It wasn't until the last 3 years or so that I managed to get any mass on my body. I was that skinny teen, too. (andmost of my 20's). I was 6-3" by the time I was 15, and I think at that point I was about 145 lbs. I have managed to hit as high as 205, but I can't maintain it and I fluctuate between about 180 and 195. I'm at a place now at least that I'm reasonably happy with it and have comes to terms with some of my issues regarding esteem.
Tony I can't believe you didn't have a blog this whole time when you write stuff like this. I feel like I know you better with every post. And I'll try to take some of your advice in this post :)
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