WHY DO I MISS HIM SO MUCH

NO! No lost love to report here. Just experiencing some of the 'BLUES.' I had originally planned on writing a piece on self-image but my mood has me wanting to write about what was on my mind last night. I will save the self-image piece for another night. I need to think about that post a bit more anyway.

So what had me in this blue mood? It all began as I was driving home yesterday evening after completing my night class. For whatever reason, I decided to pop in a CD -- Andrea Bocelli's newest album, AMORE. Why is this such a big deal? Well, my dad loved to listen to Andrea Bocelli. I was lulled into the album's lyrics and as often happens, my mind started to almost transcend my body. I began thinking about my dad and how much I wish he was still around, around to share in my B.A. graduation walk in late June of this year. He had often told me to go for my dream in Interior Design once I made it known that I loved the creativity element of the field. Regretfully, my decision to move forth with my dream came about after dad's death. See his death is what catapulted me into a life reassessment. Sad how we often wait for this type of event to determine what really matters in our life.

I wish I could talk to him about so many other things in my life right now. New friends, new goals, new feelings. I found myself wondering how he would react to all this change in my life. Would he be proud of some of the changes? Would he be disappointed?

Then my thoughts were directed to memories of him sitting in his recliner at home, stereo blaring Italian classical and contemporary tunes sung by Andrea Bocelli. He always would have the biggest smile on his face and be belting the tunes out with Andrea. See, Pops was first generation here in the U.S. and spoke Italian as a second language. I also recalled my conversation with my mom about three weeks ago. I was up in the SF Bay Area visiting family and attending the SF Bloggers' PowWow. She knew I had been struggling emotionally the last 4 or 5 months and was asking me about it. I think I want to reserve the topic of discussion for some other time but as part of the discussion she brought up how much dad loved me -- though said with some rarity in my presence. Mom revealed that my dad always expressed how proud he was of me to her specifically. Apparently though, according to mom, he just didn't know how to be himself around me. He could see I was more sensitive, more creative, not into sports, and as I grew up, smarter. My dad was athletic, a man's man, and did not have a college education. Can you figure at this point why he never felt comfortable interacting with me? And so, as I listened to Andrea, my mind was saying, "Dad, why couldn't you have just said you were proud of me." If I had heard those words just once, twice, three times in my life I would have walked with my head held high and I probably would have had so much more personal confidence then and now.

So I have said my piece. My mind is tired but today is another day. I am sure my spirits will be far better off than last night. Thanks for hearing me out!

DAD -- I MISS YOU! LOVE YOU! I HOPE YOUR SMILING AT ME.