"WHAT WOULD YOU DO?" MONDAY (#8)
It's Monday, the start of a new week. Part of me is excited 'cause I get to go into work - my internship. The other part is not excited. Why? The two darn midterm papers I have due between my art history class and the internship bi-quarterly class meeting. I have the 'biggy' done for the Internship segment but the other I'll be working on today. Anyhoo....
Let's get to today's post. Hopefully you all had a great weekend. After a week absence, it's time again for my "WHAT WOULD YOU DO?" post. Today's question is:
If a friend called you and gave clear indication to you based on comments that he was struggling with depression, what would you do?
I've been wanting to ask this question for a while now. I have even contemplated writing a post about it ~ though perhaps later. For now, I comment briefly. If I had a friend that in the course of the conversation was sounding off-beat, down in his or her responses. I'd probe more but in a tactful manner. I can't simply let people go if they are giving me an unsettled feeling, especially if they are friends. See I had a cousin who had depression but who, unfortunately, was never diagnosed. He let the weight of the world throw him into a tailspin. He had reason to go in that direction but people didn't listen to him carefully. As a result, he is a Golden Gate Bridge statistic. It hurts saying that right now but it's the truth. I remember when I heard the news how torn I was so much so that I broke down at work.
In any event, back to the point. I've learned to ask people how they are, if something is upsetting them, if they want to talk. And I don't back off too easy, 'cause what sometimes may be a short-lived, simple bout of depression turns into a more serious, long or life-threatening depression. And if I had to make the call to someone to get my friend help, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't see another person lose his/her life or be institutionalized in some manner because I chose to sit back.
So as heavy a topic as this is, how would you respond?
posted by Tony @ 11/06/2006 12:10:00 PM
14 comments
14 Comments:
The same way as you. As you know I've had several family members suicide. It's one of the most painful things I've ever endured.
Clinical depression is on both sides of my family line - and I think all are so caught up in their own depression that they can't see or recognize the signs in another family member. It's hard to be there if you're in the drudges of it yourself.
But personal responsibility is paramount. Once you know you have a problem - it's up to you to figure out ways to deal with it.
Which includes recognizing the signs of when a major depression is coming on (There are signs, and people who don't respect these signals, often fall into a severe depression before they run for help; that's doing it ass backwards) - as well as medication, and taking good care of your physical and spiritual body.
First of all, I's try to "talk" with him/her, that is to say really to listen and if the person were not seeking professional help, to try to get that person some *good* professional help. I think those would be my immediate priorities. I would want my friend that I was there for him/her.
This is a tough one Stroker...
Having had much experience in this area, on both sides, and enough education and professional experience to be dangerous... there is a fine line here in my book.
There are many of us who when we get depressed do withdraw from everyone - we need that time and that solitude to think and mull over things... we need that quiet to regenerate and to grow. I really feel that that space must be respected by all.
And there is a difference between a depressive episode and clinical depression as we all know.
Clinical depression has warings and signs. There are things that we, as friends can do when we see these signs - advice we can offer, help we can give, shoulders we can lend... but we can not cure the individual, nor can we physically drag them to the professional help they need.
This may not set well with people, but I do believe that people have the right to decline care, to refuse help and to stay in a situation where they are even if it is not healthy. They should not expect others to keep listening or helping or bailing them out if they choose to stay in that setting, but the do have the right to be there.
Some people want help, others to not - and that is their right. And that is hard for those of us who want to help and fix people to understand...
I guess my bottom line, after all of this is, unless the individual is a danger to themselves or others, we need to respect their rights to make their own decisions, no matter how wrong we may think they are, and just be there for them. We need to respecgt their need to be in the place they are and be there to help if they need it.
Because I've dealt with it in so many facets of my life, from family members, to loved ones, so I'd do much as you said or wrote. I'd try to get across to them how much I care about them, and probably urge them to get some help as well. I know much will be up to them, but I'd probably do everything I could just to listen. Hard question for a Monday morning. Big hugs to you buddy! I just got up, Monday mornings for me are always about new beginnings, they always have been.
I would urge the person to see a therapist to help them understand what the problem is. It's really helped me...and I've stayed off anti-depressants going this route.
As I do this for a living, it happens frequently to me.
Sometimes they call with that exact question in mind - 'am I depressed? and what do you think?
For friends/family I give a quick screening and free consultation.
The other sort are more challenging - they sound depressed but are not calling about that. To suggest such can get them riled up 'stop analyzing me!". Still, there are polite, supportive ways to bring it up to them.
Regardless, the bottom line is to listen/be there, not make a diagnosis.
Wow, tough subject. I'll have to echo a little bit of a lot of comments here. Be there, listen when the person needs the shoulder, urge them to see a professional when they are open to the possibility, but they're not always going to be open to that. Ultimately, they'll have to come to the realization themselves of what their situation is before they'll decide to seek help.
I know, I've been there. It took a major serious episode for me to realize that I needed help. It's not an easy road for the person going through the depression and not an easy road for others who care about the person (just ask my partner).
I'm not afraid to suggest that someone see a therapist. Even if they get defensive, I at least suggest it. I was once proud to say I was seeing 3 therapists (1 individual and 2 group) and a psychiatrist at one time.
I've met some people who are afraid of therapists, thinking there's some kind of stigma attached to being in therapy. I usually try to frame therapy in a professional aspect, pointing out that therapists are just specialists focused on people's behavior. I also point out that therapists are extremely sensitive to confidentiality, at least the ones I've seen.
As was already said, though, each person is responsible for his/her own situation. All we can do is suggest.
Ditto. In in heartbeat. I have lost three friends to suicide. One (Brian), I had spoken to on a Saturday morning. Wonderful conversation with no clouds in site. Sunday night I had a funny feeling that I should drive the 40 miles (each way) to see him.
But it was a work night and I was in a difficult situation at work and rationalized that I was imagining things. He was dead by the summer solstice, a Tuesday afternoon. Now I jump even if it comes to my mind out of the blue to call someone. And if I talk to someone and actually sense danger, I reach in. I am always told that I am empathetic and able to see thru other people’s eyes. This is true and appears to be a gift. It is my own eyes that I have trouble seeing thru.
What Josh wrote is rock solid: you can take it to the bank.
My best friend's wife acted strange for years. Mad, yelling, irrational, controlling. I often "politely" suggested to my friend that he try to get help for his wife. He said she wasn't interested.
Unfortunately, she murdered him.
I would tell him to get his ass to the Doctor PROTO! Do Not pass go and do not collect $200!!! I have actually been in this situation and that is what I done. It is NOT a matter that a good chat can fix in most cases and some good drugs are sometimes necessary! i know this from experience.
Tell the person to get help.
Ommygod -- paul's comment. scary
Being someone who's been through depression I would walk them through their options, highly suggesting counseling and a good excercise program if they don't already have one, investigating medication, though I'd warn them that most anti-depressants turn you more into a zombie than a happy well adjusted person and that you only need to stay on them until you can learn to cope with the pressures and issues causing your depression. Most importantly I'd validate their feelings and let them know they're not alone, that many people suffer from depression from time to time and set up a support network for them so that anytime they needed to talk to someone they could easily pick up the phone and call someone.
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